After Thought
by Darley1101
Summary: Addison and Derek have a discussion about why their marriage ended. Set Season 5.


Title: After Thought

Author: Darley1101

Rating: PG

Characters: Addison and Derek friendship

Premise: Addison talks to Derek about why their marriage failed.

Author's Note: I wrote this about 3 years ago. Hope you enjoy.

After Thought

It had seemed like a simple plan when it had been nothing more than a musing Addison conjured up while watching the sun rise over the Pacific Ocean. Hop a plane to Seattle, find Derek, and tell him everything she had ever wanted to say. Yes, it had seemed so simple when she was sitting on her deck thinking about it. Now that she was standing outside Seattle Grace hospital after a rather turbulent plane ride, the plan seemed, well, complicated. Tucking tail and running back to sunny California seemed like such a wonderful plan.

Fate stepped in, though, when she turned to leave, for there he was. Derek. The sole reason she had impulsively bought and used a plane ticket in the middle of the night. "Addison?" He looked at her in shock, as though she was the last person he had expected to see. Oh, who was she kidding, she was the last person he had expected to see.

"Yes, that's my name," Addison said lightly, forcing what she hoped passed for a bright smile. The quirking of his brow made the faux grin wobble a bit. He knew her well enough to know she wasn't really in a teasing mood. Three years of dating, six months of being engaged, and eleven years of marriage did that to a person. "I…I'm actually glad I ran into you." It was now or never. She either executed her complicated simple plan or she tucked tail and ran. She had never been a quitter, and running left her feeling all sweaty and nasty. There was no choice. She would have to follow through. "So, here's the thing. I didn't leave because of Mark or because I was an idiot and slept with Karev. I left because the idea of having to see you with Meredith while my life was such a mess seemed unfair." She held up a hand when he would have spoken. "Please let me finish before you say anything. I think that was part of our trouble from the start. You rarely let me finish saying what needed to be said, and I let you. I don't have to let you anymore."

"You never did have to," Derek said quietly. "You chose to. And, for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

Addison nodded. The apology was late in coming but it was still nice of him. "Thank you for that. At any rate, I moved because I couldn't handle wallowing in misery while the man I loved was happy with another woman. It would have been easier if I could hate Meredith, but I can't. She's nice, kind, and she makes you smile in ways I never could. So, I took the cowards way out and I ran. I'm not proud of it, because we both know I don't like running."

"Too much sweat," Derek murmured. She laughed quietly and nodded. There was something so right in the way he still knew her. "And I never realized it was hard on you. I always figured you were alright. You had Mark."

"Mark is…was…Mark. I never really had him. Does anybody ever really have him?" Addison shook her head, a strand of red hair falling across her face. She reached up and tucked it back behind her ear. "Besides, I didn't really want him. He was just my way of coping. A distraction. That's all he ever was." She wasn't proud of the way she had used Mark, but there was no going back. What was done was done, and she couldn't undo it. She wasn't even sure she wanted to. That portion of her past had helped form her into the woman she was today, and she liked who she was. "He was just my way of trying to get you to notice me."

Derek looked at her in surprise. "I always noticed you. You were my wife, how could I not notice you?"

"Oh, Derek, I'm sure you believe that, but the truth is you barely knew I was alive. There was always something or some one more important. Most of the time I was an after thought. A warm body in a bed you didn't really want to be in."

Silence lingered between them while the full meaning of her words hit home. "I have to disagree with at least one part of what you just said," Derek quietly told her. "You weren't just a warm body in a bed I didn't want to be in. I wanted to be there, and I wanted that warm body to be you." He raked a hand through his hair, several of the dark strands standing on end. "I loved you, Addison. Which is why I worked so hard to give you the life your parents gave you. I didn't do it for me, I did it for you. And how was I repaid? My wife slept with my best friend."

There was nothing she could say to that, no way to deny that she had betrayed him. She hadn't known he was working to give her the life style her parents had provided; it wasn't as though she had asked him for that. "I never expected you to do that, Derek. If you had asked, I would have told you it didn't matter."

"And I would have told you that was a lie. It did matter. Your father wanted his little princess to have the best of everything. If I wasn't providing it, he would have. I couldn't live that way, having my father in law buy things for my wife that I should be able to provide." Derek bit out. The bitterness toward her father was no surprise. Her father had made no secret of his feelings toward Derek. He had thought him nothing more than a middle class social climber. "So, I worked. I worked my ass off to give you everything you could possibly want."

"I worked too," she reminded him. "You weren't alone in building up our life." She was grasping at straws, trying to make herself feel better for cheating on a man who had loved her enough to sacrifice himself to give her what he thought she wanted. "And you're lying if you try and say you didn't want that life too."

"You're right, I did want it. I wanted the respect and power. Do you know what I've learned from all of it, Addison? I've learned that things aren't important, people are. I know you think I blame you for the affair, but I don't. I know my part in it all. I don't need you to tell me." Derek stared at her sadly.

"Maybe I need to tell you." Addison said. "Maybe I need to remind myself that I'm not an after thought."

"You never were." Derek reminded her. "You never will be. You're Addison Forbes-Montgomery. Who could ever think of you as an after thought?"

A smile spread across her lips. He was right. She was Addison Forbes-Montgomery, and she was nobody's after thought.


End file.
